The Java Blues

Last Friday, I spent three hours with a friend making a simple Othello game in Java using NetBeans.

It made me remember the very first time I wrote a book: I was three years old and I dictated my thesis about the origin of dreams to my father, who faithfully committed it to paper. The book was a homemade pop-up book where I postulated the sort of theories only a three-year-old can come up with.

I have written countless stories: science fiction, diaries, fanfiction,  blogs and God-awful poetry. I got all of my CAS points in High school from writing at and my high school thesis was a literary analysis of the book “Doña Barbara”.

I have always loved stories and literature. I had so much fun at University studying Literature that I never wanted to graduate. I loved academia, and I never wanted to leave it…

…So why in the world did I just spend two hours trying to figure out how to write a Java object? Why am I trying to learn how to program? I’ve never done anything like this. Am I really cut out for this? I spend hours learning on my own… I think I have it all figured out.

Then I’m with someone else, someone who is taking the time to guide me in this new journey. Then my knowledge about loops and methods and variables go out the window. And I’m left there.  Like a level 1 Magikarp. Karp. Karp. I can’t even write a “Hello world!” by myself. So I despair. I’m sorry for wasting your time on me. I’m sorry for my noob questions.



I’m a noob. The noobiest of noobs.

“Why am I doing this?,” I think,”Should I give up?”.

I remember how easy it felt to write about literature. I’m tempted… And then I remember the writer’s block. I remember that I can’t write about literature like I used to because I still remember that exhilarating moment when my code turned to actions for the very first time. I remember that I haven’t given it my all.

Have I really done as much as I can? Couldn’t I do more? I haven’t yet hammered the basics against my brain long enough to memorize and imprint them there forever. I can’t give up without having done my all. I’m not even close to the level of dedication I should be having. So why am I getting depressed for? I haven’t even started to try!

Growing up, I always wanted to be the special snowflake hero: Superman, Rogue, Cassie. The people who were born heroes, the people who were just naturally gifted…  The logic of these heroes states that you’re probably gifted one way, so all you have to do is follow the path that has been laid out for you and you won’t fail. The problem with those heroes is that they’re rarely overpowered and they never doubt themselves. They are perfect. I can’t be like that. I’ve failed at things long enough to know that I don’t have a particular talent. Not naturally.

As I grow older, I’ve started liking heroes like Yona-hime, Yukihira Soma and Mumen Rider. Perhaps they’re not the best at what they do. They’re not particularly gifted or talented. In fact, they can be downright useless. They have grit, though. They’ll try as hard as they can. I want to be like that.

I won’t give up. I don’t have the right to give up. I haven’t even started to really fail. I don’t want to run away anymore.

Here’s to my Java blues: I’m going to conquer you.